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I think I care too deeply. My heart is too big for my own good. My conscience is too strong. I am too compassionate.

Because it just hurts too easily. Caring too much. Loving too strongly.

Longing too deeply.

It's painful.

It's painful to always put up a facade of strength, of confidence.

All I feel is utter loneliness. Utter helplessness. And much self-loathing.

Neither smart, nor cunning.

Neither pretty nor attractive.

And such regrets.

So much painful regrets.

Not even 25 and already exhausted with life.

I am tired of falling into troubled sleep from emotional exhaustion.


Tired of depression.


Tired of crying.


Tired of loneliness.


Screaming for someone to hear me. For someone to love me.


For god sake, send someone my way.


Because I'm tired of dealing with things on my own.


I'm tired.

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I lay awake at night and something I read online, be it a work of fiction, news, or even somebody’s random blog can stab me in the heart. Even the appearance of somebody coming online makes me feel like a katana decided to slice through my chest. The feeling is far too often to be considered a rare occurrence. 

I know that I am lonely. It is a very painful feeling, and one that I have been accustomed to for a very long time. I can’t help but feel envious when I try to help out my best friend and her partner whenever they need to talk to somebody who is willing to listen. They are such precious people to me that there is nothing I’m not willing to do if it is within my power.

But I also feel that my ‘charity’ is tearing me up inside and I feel horrible when I even think of it like that. Charity? I feel like such a monster when I feel exhausted from consoling the couple. I feel exhausted from consoling people when they sincerely come to me for an open mind and the willingness to listen. I feel very privileged that they are willing to talk to me and pour their heart and soul and I just sit there and listen and I try to comfort them.

But what do I get in return? I feel like I’m the one who’s always giving and never receiving but…I have no relationship problems because, my love life is non-existent. 

And fuck, it hurts.

I shouldn’t whine. I know I shouldn’t whine. I should DO something about it. Go out there, meet people. Under what circumstances do I even get to meet people who are willing to go further than a snog under the influence of alcohol and throbbing music? Where exactly do I go to meet adults of the opposite sex who is willing to open share their life and commit in a relationship? Where is my Mr. Knightly? 

I don’t have many friends but those whom I am close to, I hold very closely to my heart.But there is that part of my heart that has been empty and aching but fuck, I bet I’ll just fuck it up if I do meet someone. Look what happened with Ameer. 

Is this what my life will be? A lonely spinster who has seen her peers find love and lost and love whilst her personal life remains stagnant loneliness?

I’m tired of being independent. 

I’m tired of being alone.

For once, why can’t I lean against someone’s shoulders?

I confess that I cry myself to sleep out of sheer exhaustion and loneliness at least twice a week. Talk about being pathetic. Even I admit how bloody pathetic that is. 

The sad thing is, if I ever confess such a thing to my family, I know many will just tell me to get a grip, there are many worse off then you and you just sit there whining and crying. And I know it's true. I shouldn't be whining and sobbing my eyes out when there are many out there worse off then myself.

So what do I do? I battle with it alone.

Just as I have always done.

Life sure is a bitch

Yay.

I've finally got a job! After one whole year!

And I'm being paid peanuts.

A job in some swanky posh building in the middle of KL.

And I'm still being paid peanuts.

No parking allowance. No transportation allowance. Half my salary is going to go to getting myself back and forth from work, feeding myself (looks like I'm going to have to starve myself for the next year or so) and buying necessaries.

I was so hoping to  be able to buy myself some mangas and a book or two. A new computer in the next year or so. Gonna have to toss that idea out the window.

Life is swell.

And the blogging begins!

La la la.